Not completely sure what compelled me to write this.
A recent string of events, revealing conversations, and even my dreams have led me to believe that life was fighting to get my attention. And now I've reached a point where there's nothing else I can do but listen. Here are some of the things I'm hearing.
The passing of time. It's incredible what it can do to a person. A lot of hurt can be eventually forgotten. It just so happens that the valuable lessons we've learned and once swore to live by can be forgotten just as easily. Hence the reason why we continue making the same mistakes over and over again. Well, your friends love you anyway. You learn to crawl again, or maybe you're able to hit the ground running. In either case, life moves forward.
But I'm beginning to see that the older we get, the more the scenery changes and as things fade to gray, how necessary it's becoming to believe in something that doesn't. Change, that is. To believe in something that's always been there, always familiar, always accepting. Always. Best friends, lovers, family... they all come pretty close. But even then, you're left with a quiet desire that remains to be fulfilled.
And then, maybe on some idle afternoon, that desire just wakes up completely and doesn't leave you be. At first, you entertain this desire with silly questions, which quickly grows in all seriousness before you know it. After a while, it's not even about seeking the answers anymore. It evolved into a self-defense mechanism. You realize that you've ironically wrapped yourself with these questions to protect you from the answers you don't want to hear.
I believe the light is faithful enough to eventually break through any cover we place over ourselves. And the warmth it brings could feel strange at first, even discomforting to a degree, but soon you'll begin to wonder how you were ever without it. Breakthrough.
The question I ask myself is, could I live the rest of my life without feeling the assurances that christians are supposed to have? I'm not even talking about a life-lasting search for inexplicable joy and happiness. The truth is all I want. I'm willing to wrestle with it. And the way I understand it now.. joy, happiness, and an unwavering peace will soon follow. Give me the assurances.
Trying is never easy. Letting go can be impossible. At the end of the day, I might have failed miserably. Heck, even before I step out the door. But because He never changes, I swear I hope this is true, it's enough reason to keep going. I'm trying, God. For I know that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, and I believe the best is still yet to come.
I'm still listening. So please, speak up.